Immer, immer tun.

When I was a kid, I was fascinated by the concept of the “ejection seat” — controlled by that big, red button in the cockpit of a fighter plane that, when pressed, shot the pilot out like a watermelon seed, whereupon he parachuted down behind enemy lines and snuck his way back to friendly territory. Much later, I found out that ejection seats killed as many pilots as they saved (especially if the plane’s roof didn’t open in time), but it always struck me how useful that big, red button might be in other situations: job evaluations, dentist appointments… and yes, even bad dates. 

The fact is, no matter how long you’ve corresponded online, how many three-hour phone calls you’ve had, or how dear the friend who set you up on this date may be, there are still times when you meet your intended for coffee or dinner and you know, instantly, that there is no way things are going to work out. How do you eject yourself from the situation with your dignity (and your date’s feelings) intact? As tempting as it is to be brutally honest by saying something like, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we have anything in common,” few folks have the courage to deliver this line at the beginning of a date — and I certainly never have, either. At the other extreme, begging off meeting someone because of a sudden recurrence of strep throat (or activating the ringer on your cell phone and pretending your mom is in the hospital) is just bad karma. Here are some less stressful strategies:

1. Make a preemptive strike. Don’t plan an evening-long date; instead, meet up in a way that allows you to easily slip away after, say, 30 minutes if things aren’t going swimmingly. This is especially true when you have early doubts about how well the date will go. Even an inexperienced dater should be able to sense possible disaster in the making (such as a person who has real trouble scheduling meet-up times or significant lapses in your phone conversations). If you listen closely to that small voice deep inside you, you’ll know whether to block out a lengthy meal at a fancy French restaurant or try a 20-minute flyby (sitting optional) at your local coffee joint instead. The odds are that the other person will feel the exact same way and will be grateful not to waste an entire evening on a dubious prospect. 

2. Stage a caper. I’m ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I don’t follow my own advice and persist in arranging a “date” date with a mysterious prospect who had an engaging (but reserved) online dating profile. The last time I did this, though, I had a plan B: I met my date at a place where I knew a female friend would also be on a potentially disastrous first date, and we arranged to “accidentally” run into each other at the first sign of trouble. (Unfortunately, my date quickly grew bored and left; my friend’s date persisted in mooning after her and asking me, “So, do you think Natalie likes me?”) 

3. Know your boundaries. As convenient as it is to blame a disastrous date on the other person, it’s also unfair; most of the time, it’s simply a matter of incompatibility (as in, “I have a sense of humor and he or she doesn’t”). In these cases, you really don’t have any choice but to grit your teeth and stick it out to the bitter end. The only things that entitle you to end a date before it starts are active deception (say, a guy being 20 years older than he actually is) and/or undisguised hostility, like the woman who responded to my inquiry about what kind of books she liked to read by declaring loudly, “Well, I guess if I’m going to start dating again I should learn to answer questions likethat.” 

If there was a big, red button at hand, I would have pressed it right away — only it would have sent her chair flying out of the restaurant, not mine. 

Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the online information network owned by the New York Times.

(Source: yahoo.match.com)